


At First Glance

by boneswrites



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck is so strong and brave, Buck's Past, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Panic Attacks, Team as Family, hand holding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24113701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: Buck had no idea that the next call would hit so close to home. Too close. And that it would knock him off balance, in more ways than one.Buck has his past locked behind a door but a call with a little boy unexpectedly rips that door wide open and brings it all rushing back. Eddie helps Buck through it, and Buck opens up to Eddie about his past, his parents and the years before he joined the Fire Academy.Plus, the first time Eddie calls Buck Evan.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 199





	At First Glance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I saw a post on a friend's tumblr about different situations where Eddie calls Buck 'Evan' for the first time and we developed this together! And then I got an idea for a second part and THEN developed it more and thought of a third part, so this is going to be lengthy! I'm looking forward to writing it! I hope you enjoy and feedback is always greatly appreciated!

It had started out as a normal shift. Laid back, even. The crew had gotten a few calls but none of them were hard to handle, and Hen and Chimney were called out with the ambulance a couple of times for minor injuries and easily took care of them and were back just in time for lunch. Eddie and Buck had helped Bobby in the kitchen with their lunch preparations; some salads and simple yet delicious sandwiches, while Hen and Chim were out.

Buck had no idea that the next call would hit so close to home. Too close. And that it would knock him off balance, in more ways than one.

And he wasn’t prepared for it.

*****

The bell goes off right as the crew had finished lunch. Pushing their chairs back and quickly getting to their feet, they’re by the engine and getting their turnout pants and coats on in a matter of seconds. They jump in and race towards the scene.

Athena’s police cruiser is pulling up the two story house just as the engine comes to a stop in front of the front yard. Bobby hops out, already giving Buck and Eddie orders and meeting his wife halfway.

“You were called too?”

Athena nods. “Multiple 911 calls were made from his house over the past few weeks, the line stays open for about ten seconds, with no one saying anything, before hanging up. Wanted to see what’s really happening here.”

Bobby nods, and surveys the house in front of him. “Eddie, Buck, gear up, you’re going in. Do a preliminary search and get anyone out. Stay on the radios and keep me updated, we’ll lift the arial but the window for assistance and we’ll be ready to hose it down.”

“On it, Cap,” Eddie nods.

He and Buck swiftly lift their oxygen tanks, holstering them on their shoulders and securing them. They wear their masks and grab their axes, making their way towards the front door.

Eddie tries the knob but it doesn’t budge. He steps aside for Buck to kick it in, which he easily does.

“Fire and rescue, call out!” Eddie yells as he steps into the house and starts following the smoke.

But repeats his best friend’s words and follows him.

“Who called it in?” Bobby asks.

“Neighbor,” Athena points to a lady standing nearby, “she saw the flames coming from the bedroom,” she then points to the room overlooking the street.

“Do you know who lives here?” Bobby walks over to the neighbor.

She nods. “A father and his son, about eight. But I don’t see them often. They tend to keep to themselves. Well, the father tends to keep the boy away from everyone.”

And on cue, the father emerges from the side of the house, presumably from the backyard. His eyes are wide at seeing the firefighters and Athena.

“Sir? Sir,” Bobby jogs over to him. “Are you alright? Were you inside the house?”

“Yeah, I was in the backyard, what’s going on?” His eyes widen more when he looks up and sees the flames, now engulfing the curtains.

“You mean to tell us you didn’t notice the fire inside your home? And that is was your neighbor that had to call it in?” Athena asks in her unimpressed tone.

“I was in the backyard on a business call, there was no fire when—Jake, where’s Jake?”

“Your son?”

“Yeah, I left him upstairs. He was playing on his iPad,” he replies and immediately tries running towards the busted front door, only to be stopped by Bobby.

“I can’t let you go in there,” Bobby says.

“My son is inside!”

“And my guys are on it,” Bobby responds. “Which room was he in?”

“In his room, on the other side of the house, that’s my bedroom on fire!”

Bobby grabs his radio and presses down. “Eddie, Buck, how’s the search going? I have the father with me here and reports that there is a boy on the second floor, last known position North East bedroom.”

“Negative, Cap,” Eddie radios back. “That room is clear. Buck cleared the rest of the floor, we’re heading to the South East bedroom now.”

“What was he doing in my bedroom?” The father mumbles under his breath, clearly irritated by the information. “He knows he’s not allowed in there.”

He says it in a loud enough voice that Bobby and Athena catch it and share a look.

Inside, Eddie follows the smoke and finds Buck working on the bedroom door, which swings wide open and a large puff of smoke escapes into the hallway.

“LA fire and rescue! Call out!” Buck yells and waits. Before he yells again, he hears a small cough coming from somewhere around the bed.

“Eddie,” Buck taps Eddie’s shoulder and points towards the bed.

“Go, I’m right behind you,” Eddie nods.

“Fire and rescue,” Buck repeats, in a much calmer tone.

Another cough.

Buck points to the bed, telling Eddie the noise is coming from _under_ it.

Eddie nods again.

Buck slowly approaches the area, getting to his knees and taking a peak under the bed.

He finds the little boy curled by the wall, his ocean blue eyes wide and scared and face covered with black ash. And it breaks Buck’s heart.

“Hey, buddy,” Buck says, hoping it’s not too muffled by the mask. “Are you hurt anywhere?”

The boy doesn’t respond.

Buck’s now lying on his stomach on the wooden floor and slowly begins extending his arm towards the boy. The boy shrinks back further towards the wall, getting more out of Buck’s reach.

“I need to get you out of here, bud,” Buck says. “I need to make sure you’re okay.”

The boy remains silent.

While Buck has been talking to the boy, Eddie had grabbed a few blankets and managed to put out some of the fire around them. Sensing his presence back at his side, Buck turns to look at Eddie and shakes his head.

Eddie grabs his radio. “Cap, we found the boy. But he’s hiding under the bed and he’s scared. Buck’s talking to him now. I managed to get some of the fire under control but it’s still spreading.”

“Copy, Eddie,” Bobby replies. “Sending fire extinguishers until you clear the room.”

“Copy, Cap.”

“I know you’re scared, little man, I would be, too. But I promise you’re going to be okay,” Buck tells the boy.

With no response, Buck pulls back and goes to remove his mask.

“Buck, what are you doing?” Eddie quickly asks, seeing Buck’s movement to remove his mask.

“I think the mask isn’t helping, I think he needs to see my face,” Buck answers. “And breathing isn’t so bad.”

“Don’t push yourself,” Eddie pleads.

Buck nods and goes back into his previous position, lying on his stomach. “Is this better, buddy?”

For the first time, the little boy actually looks at Buck. He seems to relax a little bit at seeing the firefighter’s unmasked face.

“I know, bud, I think it’s better, too. I’m here to help you, and to make sure you’re okay.”

The boy seems to start gravitating towards Buck, but Buck’s next words don’t help matters.

“That’s it, come on, buddy. Your dad is waiting for you outside,” Buck says.

At the mention of his dad, the little boy’s eyes widen again and he pulls back the small distance he had moved forward. And that look, the look of absolute fear drawn on this little boy’s face, Buck knows that looks, knows it all-too well. He’s seen it in the mirror.

His heart drops and a wide burning pit is slashed opened wide in his stomach.

He frowns, moving to look at Eddie.

“What?” Eddie asks.

Buck doesn’t reply, instead, he shifts his attention back to the boy.

Eddie doesn’t have time to ask again because he hears his name being called from the window that isn’t on fire.

“Eddie!”

He quickly goes and grabs the two fire extinguishers and puts them to use, clouding the room with white smoke and putting out the fire.

Taking a deep breath, Buck manages to push his mask under the bed. “Can you do me a favor, bud? Can you take a deep breath for me? We don’t have to move right away, but I need you to breathe for me,” Buck says, not wanting to rush the boy and to calm him down.

Ever so slowly, the boy reaches his arm and takes the mask, doing as Buck asked.

“Good, good,” Buck says as he watches. “I can make a deal with you, how does that sound?”

The boy nods, his blue eyes not leaving Buck’s own.

“I’ll get you out of here, and I’ll stay with you until we get to the hospital. I won’t leave you alone, I promise.”

Something in Buck’s voice, and in Buck’s eyes, made it easier for the little boy to trust Buck. To move towards him again, both physically and mentally.

“P-promise?” The little boy asks, his voice so small, Buck would have missed it if he hadn’t been concentrating and waiting for it.

“I promise, buddy. I’m Buck, what’s your name?”

“I’m Jake.”

“Hi, Jake,” Buck smiles. “I got you, okay?” He extends his hand.

After a few moments of hesitation, Jake’s hand grazes Buck’s and holds onto it.

“That’s it, bud,” Buck encourages Jake and slowly begins helping him out from under the bed.

Buck places his mask over Jake’s face and holds him close.

Jake wraps his arms around Buck’s neck and buries his face against Buck’s turnout coat.

“I got you, Jake, I got you,” Buck reassures the boy, holding him tightly and looking at Eddie.

“Let’s go,” Eddie nods. “We’re coming out, Cap.”

Bobby orders for the water hose and the crew and Athena watch as Eddie and Buck exit the house, the blond cradling the boy against his chest.

“Jake!” The father runs towards the firefighters but Jake shuts his eyes at hearing his dad’s voice, holding onto Buck tighter.

“I got you,” Buck whispers and puts on a straight face, moves past the father, and he keeps moving forward, even when the father yells after him.

“Hey, hey! Give me my son!” The father screams in an aggressive tone.

“I’m sorry, sir, Jake needs to be checked out by our paramedics first,” Buck says, not turning to look at him and heading towards the ambulance.

Bobby frowns at the exchange and notices how firmly the boy is holding onto Buck. “Sir, I’m going to ask you to step back, give us room to work.” He then turns to Athena and whispers, “something isn’t right.”

She nods, and senses she’s starting to understand those 911 calls. She watches closely as Buck hands Jake over to Hen, Jake not letting go at first but Buck says something that lets Jake’s grip on him loosen.

“Don’t let his father come close,” Buck whispers to Hen. He then looks at Athena and she understands his eyes.

“We have to take him to the hospital to get checked out,” Hen says, looking at Buck.

“I’ll go with him,” the father jumps at saying, his anxiety and nerves showing through his body language.

“Actually,” Eddie speaks, having noticed everything that went down, both inside the house and outside. “He has to go to the hospital, too,” he points at Buck. “He took off his mask to give Jake oxygen so he needs a check up, too.”

Buck gives Eddie a small, thankful nod.

“Can’t he just, go to the hospital in the firetruck?”

“That’s against protocol,” Bobby says, “he needs to go in the ambulance.”

The father sighs, annoyed. “Fine. I’ll follow in my car.” He turns on his heels and leaves without any further words.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital,” Athena tells Buck as he climbs into the back of the ambulance.

Buck nods and sits back.

Jake moves closer to Buck and Buck gently wraps his arm around the boy’s shoulder as Hen places an oxygen mask over Jake’s face.

“Deep breaths, buddy,” Buck says.

They get to the hospital ten minutes later, Athena right behind them.

Buck stays close as Hen wheels Jake into the ER and relays information to the doctor and nurse. Jake looks at Buck and Buck smiles at him.

Athena comes to a halt next to Buck. “I’ll stay with him.”

“Thank you,” Buck replies.

“He’s really freaked out and his dad, the way he reacted to him…”

“I know, Buck. I’ll look into it, see what the doctors say after looking him over.”

“And his father?”

“I’ll keep him away.”

Buck nods. “Please keep me updated.”

“I will,” Athena promises.

“Hey, buddy,” Buck steps into the room, Athena on his heels. “Are you feeling better?”

Jake nods.

“That’s good. Listen, I need to get back to work, but this is my friend, Athena, and she’s going to stay with you,” Buck explains. “She won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Jake thinks for a few moments. “Promise?”

Buck smiles. “I promise.”

Soon, after getting checked out himself and getting the all-clear, Buck hops back into the ambulance and they head back to the firehouse.

The only thing on his mind during the ride is Jake.

*****

Buck jumps out of the ambulance and doesn’t say a word as he mindlessly walks up the stairs where Bobby is sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone. He looks up when he spots Buck, followed by Hen and Chim, walking into his line of sight.

“How’s the little boy?” The Captain asks.

“Hanging in there,” Hen replies. “He’s shaken up, Athena is staying with him.”

Bobby nods and turns to look at Buck, who has moved away from the crew and sat himself on the dining table. “And Buck?” He asks in a lower voice.

Chim shrugs. “Hasn’t said a word.”

“Let’s keep an eye on him, it wasn’t an easy call. And the way the little boy was holding onto him…”

Bobby had no idea how _hard_ that call was for Buck.

“For sure, Cap,” Hen replies.

“Where’s Eddie?” Chim asks, looking around.

“Checking the oxygen tanks,” Bobby responds.

As planned, they keep their eyes on Buck. He mostly stays distant and stays silent, which is starting to worry them because both those things are so unlike Buck. But they don’t want to bombard him either, they want to give him space and hope for the best.

Until ten minutes later, when Buck drops his phone on the table and violently pushes his chair back, resting his elbows on his thighs and dropping his face into his palms.

“Buck?” Bobby frowns, getting to his feet and walking towards the younger man. “Buck, you okay?”

Buck doesn’t respond.

Bobby shares concerned looks with Hen and Chim as they stand next to him.

“His breathing is elevated, his shoulders are tense,” Hen observes.

It’s clear Buck was trying to keep his breathing under control, but he was failing. His chest was tight, his quickened breathing not giving his lungs enough time to use the oxygen, and his face was hot, it was so hot he felt like he needed to jump into ice water. His entire body was on fire. And he was starting to shake.

Before anyone can say anything else, they hear footsteps on the stairs, followed by Eddie’s worried voice.

“What’s going on?”

“Something’s not right,” Chim answers, motioning to Buck.

“Buck?” Eddie says, doing his best to keep his worry under control. “Hey, Buck.”

Eddie walks between Chim and Hen and drops to his knees in front of his best friend, taking in the taller man’s state and condition.

“He’s having a panic attack,” Eddie remarks, his eyebrows knitting together. “Christopher has had a few of them,” he adds.

“Buck, Buck, it’s okay,” Eddie says, “you’re safe.”

Buck doesn’t budge.

Eddie tries again. “Buck, it’s Eddie. Can you look at me? You’re okay.”

Slowly, Buck starts lifting his face and faces Eddie, but his eyes are hazy, unfocused, the blue so clear and swimming in unshed tears.

And this time, it’s Eddie’s heart that breaks at the sight.

“That’s it, Buck,” Eddie nods. He wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around Buck and to hold him close, to protect him, but he knows Buck’s reaction to such an action could be unpredictable. And Eddie doesn’t want to make it worse.

So, Eddie uses the one thing he can use to help Buck: his voice.

“Buck, focus on my voice,” Eddie guides him in a stable tone. He takes a deep breath, “Buck… _Evan_.”

Eddie watches it happen in slow motion. He watches as Buck’s eyes go from hazy to landing on his own brown ones, and steadily begin to focus.

Eddie could cry with happiness.

“Eddie?” Buck whispers.

“Yeah, I’m right here, you’re okay,” Eddie gives Buck a small smile.

“Eddie,” Buck sighs, relieved at finding his best friend’s kind face.

“You back with me?”

Buck swallows against his dry throat and nods. “Yeah, I just…”

“Breathe with me, breathe in for five…now hold it for another five and slowly blow out,” Eddie leads. They repeat it a few times until Buck’s breathing is under control. “Do you want some fresh air?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck replies.

A few minutes later finds Buck and Eddie sitting side-by-side on a bench outside the firehouse.

“The fresh air helping?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah, it is,” Buck responds.

“Good.”

A few moments of silence.

“You called me Evan,” Buck turns to look at Eddie.

Eddie nods.

“This is the first time you call me that,” Buck’s eyes roam over Eddie’s face.

“Yeah, I just, I thought it would help, get you out of the trance,” Eddie explains. “Something that you haven’t heard from me before.”

Buck nods. “It did, it helped and…it was nice to hear. Thank you, for bringing me back.”

Eddie shrugs it off. “It was nothing, I’m just glad it worked and that you’re okay.”

“I haven’t had a panic attack in years,” Buck sighs.

“Listen, you don’t have to…you don’t have to talk about it if don’t want or if you’re not ready. I got your back, remember? No matter what,” Eddie smiles.

Buck takes a deep breath. “I appreciate that, I do. But I think…I would like to tell you, to talk about this…with you.”

“Then I’m here to listen,” Eddie promises.

“I haven’t talked about this in…years.”

“Take your time,” Eddie replies.

“The call earlier today,” Buck starts, “it, uh, it hit really close to home. Because…I saw myself in Jake.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie frowns.

“I was Jake,” Buck looks at Eddie, his eyes sad, face drawn in pain, eyes glassy. “The whole thing, with the dad and…that was me. I know you could tell that something wasn’t right, and you are correct. It wasn’t right. That man…the moment I looked into Jake’s eyes, I knew.”

Eddie nods. “I thought he was just scared but the way he reacted to his father…”

“Yeah, that kid was not scared of the fire, he was scared of his dad,” Buck sighs, taking a moment to really let that sink in, that statement that brought back so much.

And Buck started sensing the feeling of dread climbing back and making its presence known in his chest. But then he looks to his side, and seeing Eddie there, next to him, it grounds Buck, and he takes a deep, slow breath, letting it out evenly.

“Your father…” Eddie speaks, his mind still catching up to what Buck has been saying.

“Wasn’t a very good father,” Buck nods.

“Wasn’t?”

Buck shrugs. “I think my parents are still living in Pennsylvania. Last I heard, at least. I left when I was eighteen and never went back. Or looked back. I haven’t thought about it in a while, but with Jake today…”

“It brought it all back,” Eddie says.

“Yeah. I travelled around, ending up in South America and stayed there for a couple of years, bartending. And when I returned to the States, my father reached out to me. And not to tell me to come home or that he missed me or to check on me, but he wanted to say how disappointed he was that I just…left, that I didn’t ask about them. Basically that I took my life into my own hands and…did what was best for me. He loved control, and he controlled me for most of my life, but then I left and he lost that control. And Maddie had already left. He just wanted that control back, he never cared about me or what I wanted,” Buck opens up, staring into the distance as he spoke. “He was manipulative and cruel and selfish.”

Eddie’s heart drops at Buck’s words, shaking his head. “Buck, I’m so sorry. I hate that you went through that, you deserve so much better.”

Buck shrugs. “I enlisted with the SEALs soon after that, but that didn’t really work out for me. Wanting to make a difference, I joined the Fire Academy and well, here we are.”

“Here we are,” Eddie nods, not taking his eyes off Buck.

“I just…I’ve always had this feeling that…I wasn’t enough, that I never will be enough,” Buck admits, closing his eyes.

Eddie’s frown deepens at Buck’s statement. “Buck, no. No. Hey, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me,” he begs.

After a moment, Buck peels his eyelids open and looks at his best friend. Neither say anything for a few seconds, instead, Eddie’s eye roam down to where Buck’s hands rested in his lap and then back up at the blue irises.

“That’s not true,” Eddie states. “You are enough, God, you’re more than enough.” And after a second of hesitation, Eddie reaches out, taking Buck’s hand in his own and giving it a gentle squeeze. “ _You are enough, Evan Buckley, and anyone would be blessed to have you in their life_.”

And in that moment, Buck is feeling so much. Feeling Eddie’s skin on his, the way Eddie’s thumb is caressing his hand. The warmth spreading through him, from Eddie’s touch and words. Something was filling Buck, something soft and peaceful. Hope and joy, and trust. So much trust. It all takes Buck’s breath away and he can’t really find the words to express it all.

Buck doesn’t stop the tear that rolls down his cheek.

“You have blessed me and my son in so many ways, so many times. You saved me, Evan, and you saved Christopher. He thinks the world of you,” Eddie continues, and the sincerity in his voice, and the look of absolute truth on Eddie’s face, and the rawness in his eyes, Buck has rarely seen Eddie this way, rarely seen him allowing himself to be this vulnerable and this open. And it lifts Buck and carries him to the stars.

Buck adjusts his hand and intertwines his fingers with Eddie’s.

“I don’t know what I would do without you and Chris,” Buck says.

“You won’t have to find out, because we’re not going anywhere,” Eddie vows.

“I just…I want to save Jake, I want to look out for him. I barely saved myself,” Buck sighs. “I want to do better.”

“Buck, you saved yourself, in so many ways. You got yourself out, despite how hard that must have been. You survived. And you came out stronger. You’re one of the strongest and bravest people I know,” Eddie declares.

Buck’s face breaks into a smile, a genuine smile. “That…that means the world. Thank you, Eds.”

Before Eddie can reply, Buck’s phone starts ringing.

He fishes it out of his pocket and checks the caller ID. He faces Eddie.

“It’s Athena.”


End file.
